The need for closeness

by Mag. Thomas Schaller:

We seek closeness, but do not want to be harassed. Need proximity but also freedom. It is best if we have a partner that matches our proximity distance model. If you are looking for a partner, you are looking for one that matches our proximity distance model (our notions of proximity and distance).

“Why I cannot show my partner as much love as he does?”

If you are looking for a partner, you are looking for one that suits our proximity distance model. Some have the idea of ​​a partner who is always on their side, others have the idea that the partner must fight for her or others dream of a relationship in which you have enough freedom for hobbies, etc.

When we are single and get to know someone, we often unconsciously pay attention to their proximity behavior, e.g. his body movements, posture. If his sewing pattern corresponds to our “turning bay”, contact takes place after a nonverbal communication. On the first date, you quickly realize if you are interested in one, open yourself, or are interested in another meeting. One learns something about its proximity distance model.

Men often make the mistake during the introductory phase that they do not take into account the women’s need for distance. They demand closeness too quickly, causing the partner to feel pressured, e.g. by bombarding them with love SMS or showering them with gifts. Apart from proximity, distance in the relationship is also important.
If the partner demands more closeness than you can give yourself, the feelings towards the partner can decrease. At this point, feelings of rejection or a defensive behavior combined with attempts at autonomy or even feelings of guilt or self-doubt can occur. “Why I cannot show my partner as much love as he does?”

The proximity distance model is difficult to change. However, it may change due to external circumstances, e.g. Illnesses, children, job etc. But it is meaningless and also disadvantageous for the relationship to demand a change. Many make the mistake of trying to change the partner, e.g. also want to form a loner for a partner looking for a way. Often you will feel so. Disorders (anxiety disorders, depression) that result in a secondary gain in disease, the depressive partner experiences, for example, more closeness through his partner.

Others, in turn, hope to get closer to their partner through a child or a marriage, but unfortunately this often leads to the opposite. However, closeness can not be demanded unilaterally; it results from the interaction of both through conversation but also through the continuous building of trust and confidence Safety. It is important to realize when my partner needs closeness, when would he like to be left alone.

When we seek closeness, it is important that the distanced can also feel yearning. By withdrawing yourself once, e.g. By meeting friends, pursuing one’s hobbies, one can give the partner the chance that he may miss one too. So it should not be a one-way street, so that only one seeks the nearness, but it should ideally establish one proximity, then the other. In order to respect the need for distance from the partner, one should also lead one’s own life, e.g. Build a circle of friends, interesting hobbies.

It is also important to open up more in conversations and to really listen attentively to the partner. This can also create proximity. Unfortunately, in relationships, childhood conflicts are often projected onto the partner, e.g. if the father left the family early, the partner’s need for distance is rated very negative, because old wounds rupture.
The sewing model is developed as early as childhood. The child seeks closeness, which enables him to explore the environment, ensuring safety and autonomy.

With insecure attachment experiences in childhood, the need for closeness must be controlled in order to build up security.

1) By reducing the strength of proximity. This minimizes the importance of the partner and dependence on him. This can be achieved by searching for a distant partner or selecting a long-distance relationship or a trusted partner.

2) People with attachment anxiety are afraid that love will grow, as they were often disappointed in childhood. The passion is “shut down” so you can not be hurt and feel safe. The neglected partner often suffers from the low emotionality. The non-lived sexuality in the “sister-brother” relationship then leads to infidelities of the neglected partner.

3) Sometimes the need for closeness is projected on the other. The other is assumed to be clinging. So you can distract from your own fear and swap roles.

4) Another way to control the need for closeness with insecure bonding experiences in childhood is to limit the freedom of others. The partner is controlled, one is jealous. However, freedom is very important, that love can exist at all. The jealous, however, is mainly focused on reducing anxiety and often can not think rationally in the anxiety situation.

About the author:

Already for 10 years Mag. Thomas Schaller applies successfully psychological intervention techniques in the psychological treatment and consultation. Mag. Thomas Schaller can draw from a practical treasure trove of his professional life, which is supplemented by profound theoretical knowledge, acquired in countless continuing and further education as a clinical psychologist.  

 

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